


Shrek and his friends in Italy HD Edition

by 003Hime



Series: Shrek and Sal [1]
Category: Cardi B (Prison), Sally Face (Video Games), Shrek (Movies), ジョジョの奇妙な冒険 | JoJo no Kimyou na Bouken | JoJo's Bizarre Adventure
Genre: F/F, F/M, Literally on crack rn, M/M, This is what you get as an apology for not updating in over a month, Yeeeeeeep, i don't even know what to say, please take nothing i write seriously
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-04
Updated: 2019-05-04
Packaged: 2020-02-23 18:51:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18707908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/003Hime/pseuds/003Hime
Summary: "Keep crackhead culture alive"-Guido Mista 2k01Shrek, Sally from Sally Face, Jimmy the demon and Cardi B wind up in the Vento Aureo universe. Will they help Bucci's gang? Or just fuck shit up?





	Shrek and his friends in Italy HD Edition

**Author's Note:**

> Please god I just want to get out of writer's block this is my first attempt at doing so

"Hm I wonder what I should do today" Shrek sighed and rubbed his face. Donkey had gone and burnt down the local orphanage again, and Fiona was off working at the local Wendy's, probably doing their Twitter roast compilation videos. The large green man let out an angry roar as Mine by Bazzi came on the radio and he smashed a chair into the wall. "You so fuckin precious when you GET OUT OF MY SWAMP" Shrek cried, and the homeless people gathered outside his door all shrieked and ran off. He gave a satisfied sigh as the song changed to Step Up Love from his favourite anime, Blood Blockade Battlefront. The ogre walked off to make some baby food, singing to the music to cover up the sound of his starving, screaming children. He hadn't fed them in at least a week. The song was just finishing when Shrek felt tingly. "O shit don't tell me I'm having a stroke again, not twice in a month, Fi is gonna kill me."

As he started to reach for the phone to dial 911, Shrek's cosy hut disappeared. The green ugly bastard was left in shock; this wasn't Duloc! Where the shitting shit was he?!

Sally from Sally Face spoke suddenly, making him jump. "Hey is that Shrek" he said, flicking a blue pigtail over his shoulder. 

"Yeah I'm Shrek who the fuck are you" 

"Sally from Sally Face you fucking dumbass. Haven't you heard of me?"

Shrek scratched his ass. "Well that's not very nice!"

Sal sighed and gestured to the car across the street from them, which encouraged Shrek to take in his surroundings: a quaint little row of houses on either side of the road, birds chirping happily, not a soldier or magical creature in sight. This was definitely not Duloc. 

"I think there's some kinda ghost here, but don't worry, ghosts and spooky shit are my thing. If you get scared big fella, just give me a yell" Sal folded his arms and Shrek was sure he was seizuring under that mask of his. Suddenly, a woman walked out from an alley, with Cardi B's unconscious body in her arms. "KURAZY SUKARY HORY FANTASYU" she yelled, and twisted purple arms appeared from behind her, which she drove straight through Shrek's eye sockets. "OOOOHHHAUUUGHHH" he cried "BETTER OUT THAN IN I ALWAYS SAY".

The woman's second pair of arms disappeared and Shrek patted his eyes carefully. "Wait, you're Shrek?"

"Yeah that's me, who the fuck are you"

Sally from Sally Face shook his head. "Don't just ask her the same thing you asked me ya brainlet. Ask why she's carrying Cardiovascular Bronchitis through a street." Shrek farted, which woke Cardi up. "WAIT WHAT HAPPENED TO THE GUY I WAS ROBBING-OKURRRRR IS THAT MF SHREK????" The woman with the purple arms rolled her eyes and tossed Cardi B into the street, where a car promptly rolled up and killed her. The driver got out, looking worried, and turned to the party gathered at the side of the street. 

"My name is Bruno Bucciarati, do you know this woman?" 

A second voice from in the car yelled out: "EYO BOSS! IT'S THAT FUCKING CARDI B WOMAN! YOU HIT CARDI B!"

The dark haired man sighed, reaching a hand into his tiddy window. "Well I suppose we did something good then. Would you folks kindly remove the bo-WAIT!" Bucciarati struck a menacing and confused pose. "IS THAT A STAND?!" 

The woman who had thrown Cardi into the street pulled an equally confused and defensive pose. "N-nani?! Can he actually see my stand? Does that mean this man...this attractive, powerful-looking man who definitely dresses like a stand user...is a stand user?!" She folded her arms. "My name is Caroline Beiber, and I am the daughter of Justin Beiber and his first girlfriend, the hot assassin lady from Person of Interest," as she said this Fake ID by Riton began playing menacingly from behind her, "Reveal your stand, Bruno Cincinnati!" 

"It's Bucciara-OOF" Sally from Sally Face was knocked backwards into Shrek's arms as a powerful force powered through the street, forcing everyone onto their knees.

"W-what?! Is this his/her stando powa?!" both Caroline and Bucciarati yelled at the same time.

"Nah you fuckin retards, Ima ghost bitch" a loud voice rang out from the inside of Bucciarati's car. Screaming and chaos ensued, as a boy in a green suit akin to something a stripper would wear jumped out of the car, holding a smaller, even louder boy in his arms and hyperventilating. From the other side of the car a boy in pink climbed elegantly out of his seat, followed by a goth sipping on a wine bottle, clearly annoyed. The pink kid went to the trunk and popped it open calmly, stepping back as a guy in blue and orange wearing the weirdest fucking hat fell out onto the floor. "WHERE THE FUCK ARE WE GIORNO" he screeched, clutching his legs to his chest. 

The "Giorno" kid patted him on the head and walked round to stand next to Bucciarati, who was now on his feet along with everyone else. "Bucciarati," he said, and his voice sent instant calm through Shrek's mind, "What is going on?"

Bucciarati put a hand on this boy's shoulder and sighed. "Well, my boy, we hit Cardi B. Fortunately, she died from the hit. This woman here-" he pointed a sexy arm at Caroline-"is a stand user."

"Okay okay okay, hold up, what the fuck is a stand?" Sal from Sally Face asked. "Stands are really cool things that come out of your body if you yell a certain name!" The orange kid in the stripper's arms yelled. "What, like cum?" said Shrek. 

"CAN WE STOP TALKING ABOUT STANDS AND TALK ABOUT THE FUCKING GHOST THAT'S APPARENTLY INSIDE OUR CAR?!" screamed the green stripper. Shrek noted how his hair looked like a fork. 

"Fugo, honey, don't worry about it, I'm sure it's just nothing. Maybe Giorno has some secret power that he didn't tell us about." The goth put a hand on the stripper's shoulder and glared daggers at the pink boy, who smiled back at him. "I can assure you, Abbacchio, it's nothing to do with me." 

Caroline sighed as the "ghost" yelled again. "AW HELL NO BABY! I TOLD YA'LL IMA GHOST!" To prove his point, the ghost send a trash can down the street flying. "MA NAME JIMMY YA'LL! REMEMBER IT!" Then he disappeared. "Bye Jimmy" said the orange kid, then he went back to stroking Fugo's head like a cat. 

"So whadda we do now?" Shrek asked. 

"I suppose I should introduce you to my gang. This is Giorno, over there is Abbacchio, Fugo and his boyfriend Narancia"-he lowered his voice-"but if you call them that Fugo will deny it, behind the car is Mista, who we had to lock in the boot because he had some bad pasta and went feral."

"One of my mates went feral" Sally from Sally Face piped up. Everyone looked at him. "What?" he said.

Shrek shook his head. "Well you all know I'm Shrek apparently. Onion boy to some, and Daddy to many." Bucciarati smiled. "You may call me Bruno."

"I'm Sal from Sally Face. Nice to meet ya. My last bunch of friends kinda got fucked up so it's cool that I got you guys now. Anyone have disco fries?"

He was ignored. "I'm Caroline, like I already said, and well, I don't really want to hurt you. So can we be friends too?"

"Sure" said everyone just like Bill Wurtz.

It was at that point they noticed the sun was setting and Fugo yawned. "I'm so tired..." he breathed. The kid called Narancia who was apparently (not) his boyfriend sung out "-OF LOVE SONGS TIRED OF LOVE SONGS TIRED OF LOVE SONGS TIRED OF LOVE!" Giorno joined in with his angelic voice. "Just wanna go home, wanna go home, wanna go home-" he pointed at Mista, still on the floor looking feral. "Woaah" Mista choked out. Sal started clapping.

"That's it you bunch, no more impromptu singing. okay? Not whilst we have guests." Bruno put an arm through the goth's and gestured for them to follow to the nearest hotel, leaving Cardi B's rotting corpse in the street with their now emptied car. 

As Bruno went to book the rooms, Narancia (still in Fugo's arms) belted out "Creeper?" followed by an even louder "AW MAN".

Fugo rolled his eyes. "So we back in the mine, got our pickaxe swinging from side to side, side, side to side."

Giorno piped up from his chair: "This task a grueling one, hope to find some diamonds tonight, night night. Diamonds tonight~" His singing prompted Mista to join in, even though he was still on the floor being a feral twat. "Heads up, you hear a sound, turn around and look up, total shock fills your body!"

"OH NO IT'S YOU AGAIN, I CAN NEVER FORGET THOSE-" Narancia yelled, and he was joined by everyone else singing "EYES EYES EYES, EYES, EYES EYES"

"CUS BABY TONIIII-AAUUCCK!!" Narancia's joyous singing was cut off when Abbacchio slapped him on the head. "You little rats, didn't you hear Bruno? No singing!" He turned to Fugo, his obvious favourite. "Please sweetie, don't let them sing again."

Shrek sighed and looked down at Sally from Sally Face who was smoking a joint through a gap in his mask. "Ay little man can I hit" he asked in his strangely Norwegian accent. 

"Sure bro" Sal passed him the boof, which the green man ate in one loud chomp sound effect. "Nice."

Bruno walked over with the room keys. "Alright, Giorno, you take Mista, Narancia and his boyfriend Fugo up to room 420."

"I'm not his boyfriend" Fugo said, then went back to resting his chin on Narancia's fluffy head. 

Their dad ignored them. "Caroline, you have a room to yourself. Actually no, our last member will be here soon. She'll be sharing with you, she went to get some groceries." Caroline took the key and smiled. 

"Leone and I will be in room 69, Shrek, can you and Sally from Sally Face stay in our bathroom? We couldn't afford another room."

"Sure thing" Sal said and started to follow them up the stairs, as Giorno's group had already left and Caroline waited for her roomie to arrive. Shrek stuffed a hand down his pants because he didn't have pockets and followed. 

They could hear Narancia singing already as they waited for Bruno to unlock the room. "We the hottest in the world right now, jus touched down in London tooown-" He was cut off as they stepped inside the Abbacchio locked the door. 

Meanwhile downstairs, Caroline saw a hot, pink-haired girl walked through the doors of the hotel with multiple shopping bags. "Hey, are you Caroline? Bucciarati texted me about you. Said we were rooming together."

Caroline was taken aback by the sheer attractiveness of this girl. All she could respond with was "when you hold me, in your arms so tight, you let me know, everything's alright. AAAAA-aaaaa-aaah, hooked on a feeling". The guy behind the desk joined in with a "DO DO DO DO DOOOOOO." Trish nodded. "Okay, lets head upstairs."

As they headed upstairs, Caroline whispered to Trish. "Heyumhowoldareyoubtwcutie??"

Trish smiled to her. "Fifteen." Caroline smiled back. "Epic, me too. I just look like I'm 20 lmaooooo."

_TIME SKIP BECAUSE FUCK IM LAZY_

About 2am everyone was in bed, Caroline and Trish having spent at least an hour f-

_Oh you thought I was gonna say fucking?

Lol too bad_

-Friending strangers on facebook and trolling people for fun. They really bonded that night and it was the start of a beautiful relationship. 

Sally from Sally Face was curled up on top of the sink and Shrek was snoring from his seat in the bathtub. They'd been kept awake by the room occupant's fucking all night and finally, just finally, they could sleep. Well, until the fire alarm went off. "Awh fuck" said Sal, "not again."

Shrek clambered out of the bath and threw a towel over his dick. "What's going on?"

Bruno and Abbacchio burst in, both in fancy Gucci dressing gowns, and beckoned for them to follow. "We don't know, but everyone is evacuating. I just hope everyone else is okay" Bruno sighed.

As they were leaving the building, a window on one of the top floors smashed and out flew Fugo, half naked, screaming, and clutching onto a toy airplane which did a loop-the-loop and landed on the pavement by Abbacchio's feet. "Ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod whatthefuck" Fugo said, clinging to the goth's leg. "It's okay, you're alright, you're not in the sky anymore" repeated his father. He removed his gown and put it over Fugo, covering him up from the cold. Bruno turned to look at his partner for a second, and pulled another gown off another customer's back, handing it to his husband. 

From the same broken window, Giorno hopped out, sliding down the ledge in a gorgeous Egyptian silk robe, eventually landing on the ground after parkouring elegantly down the side of the hotel. Mista followed, taking the same parkour route, only less elegantly and he had to jump onto Bruno's back from the last ledge. Everyone watched as Narancia flung himself out of the window, to Bruno's shock and Abbacchio's anger, and landed dramatically on top of his stand, Aerosmith. They spotted Caroline and Trish already in the crowd, and the two parents sighed sighs of relief.

"Thank god everyone is alright. What happened?" 

"Ah yeah," Mista said, no longer feral, "we mighta set the TV on fire. That alarm was triggered by Fugo." 

The Fugo in question, now holding onto Narancia instead of Abbacchio, promptly passed out as he remembered his earlier descent.

"Fuckin dumbasses, the lot of ya" said Shrek. "That's not very nice" repeated Sally from Sally Face, who was sipping a Capri sun. 

When the sun had risen, Bucci's gang packed themselves into their new car, which was larger and didn't have any of Cardi B's appendages stuck to it. 

Shrek waved to them from outside, with Sal stood next to him. "When we take over the mafia, we'll call you!" screamed Caroline from the back seat, who had joined the gang now.

"I'll tell my onion wife you said hi!" Shrek called back. 

"Bye gang, it was fun doing lines with you" said Sally from Sally Face.

The car sped off into the sunset, hopefully to a long and happy life for each of it's inhabitants.

Shrek turned to Sal. "Well I think I'll be going now, see you little man whose boof I ate." 

"Bye Shrekamundo" Sal from Sally Face hummed and disappeared around the street. Shrek took one last look around, at Cardi's rotting corpse, the hotel, and the smashed window. "Time to get back to my boring as fuck life" and with that he arrived back in his own world. One of his kids had starved to death in his absence, Fiona was probably cheating on him right now with her coworker Dylan, and Donkey was lying on the couch, mid-seizure.

Yes, life was good. 

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
